Art of Life
by angst no miko
Summary: Ruhana... one shot songfic... reviews please!!!


Art of life  
by Rien  
  
Standard Disclaimers Apply  
  
Author's Note: Since my imotoo-chan requested this songfic, I gladly do it for her. Your should appresiate me more imooto-chan!!!! The song is taken from x-japan's longest song (i think). The song is 30 mins long that's why the lyrics if you can notice is quite long as well.  
  
  
  
~*Desert Rose, why do you live alone?   
If you are sad, I'll make you leave this life.   
Are you white, blue or bloody red?   
All I can see is drowning in cold grey sand.*~  
  
I am alone because I want to. I am alone becuase nobody cares. I am alone because no one can love me for who I am not for what I am for them. I live alone becuase I am not capable of falling in love and caring for another person other than myself.  
  
I am the Ice King... I am a walking block of Ice that doesn't know the feeling of love even if it strode towards me and hit me in the face. No, I don't know what love is...  
  
~*The winds of time, you knock me to the ground.   
I'm dying of thirst, I wanna run away   
don't know how to set me free to live.   
My mind cries out feeling pain.*~  
  
That was all I am until I met you. You punched me and headbutted me many times that I lost count. I knew that there was something in you that made me realize that I am a cold bastard that doesn't need anyone. You made me relize that there was more in life than myself and basketball. The way your eyes blazed because of anger and hate made me think things through.  
  
I hated you for it. I hated you for the feelings that you raised in me. I hated myself for not knowing what I feel for you. You always look at me with utter hatred that I rebutt them with my unknown feeling for you.  
  
For days, weeks not even months... I've wasted time staring at my bedroom ceiling, thinking about you and wondering what I'm feeling. Everyime I saw you, I want to punch, confront you in feelings that you raise in me.  
  
~*I've been roaming to find myself   
How long have I been feeling endless hurt   
Falling down, rain flows into my heart.   
In the pain, I'm waiting for you.   
Can't go back, no place to go back to.   
Life is lost, flowers fall, if it's a dream, now wake me up.   
If it's for real, just kill me.*~  
  
I did the next best thing, insult you in everytime I get the chance, which was not as hard becuase I insulted everything about you. From your flaming red hair up to your stupid basketball training. The way you shoot, the way you dribble, the way you play, everything can be insulted by a simple word like "do'aho".  
  
"Do'aho" I usually said. Your eyes would blaze with its hatred glow.  
  
"Teme kitsune!!!!" you will scream and would try to punch me if not for Akagi's punches or Ayako's fan slaps.  
  
~*I'm making the wall inside my heart.   
I don't wanna let my emotions get out.   
It scares me to look at the world.   
Don't wanna find myself lost in your eyes.   
I tried to drown my past in grey.   
I never wanna feel more pain.   
Run away from you without saying any words.   
What I don't wanna lose is love.*~  
  
Then I realized that it was love. The feeling that I don't want to experience becuase I know that once you fall in love, you will get hurt and I don't want to get hurt. I dn't want to be in the disadvantage position.  
  
I've build the ice wall inside my heart, thicker and stronger than I ever could have built. My emotionless facade betrays my innermost feelings but I know that it was easier this way rather than say things that I know that I would regret later on. My insults are still the same and nothing changes.  
  
I still play, insult you with o holding back. The frustration that you give me for not saying anything fuelled my insults and tried to act as if I'm angry so that no one would notice how would my eyes sometimes stray and found myself staring at your form while playing.  
  
~*Through my eyes time goes by like tears.   
My emotions losing the colour of life.   
Kill my heart, release all my pain, I'm shouting out loud.   
Insanity takes hold of me...*~  
  
The feelings I desperately hide from you seems to drain my strength. Everything was a routine that I tried to maintain as not to give away the feelings that grew in me overtime. The usual insult that I give from you sometimes halted in my thoughts and not voiving them out. I knew that the more I kept it, the more it would get out. I knew that but I don't want to loose you, not just yet. I played lousy day after day that even the others are beginning to worry.  
  
"Rukawa... you're in charge of the clean up..." Akagi said and i just nodded than went to the cabinet where the mop are placed. I began to clean when I heard some grumbling sound that came from my back. I turned around and my body tensed to see you mopping the other side of the gym. I hastily finished my side without even glancing at the redhead.  
  
"Oi, kitsune, are you finished?!?!?" he shouted but I pretended I didn't hear anything. I continued walking towards the locker room and took shower in record time. I didn't sleep in the process which I congratulated myself in doing. I thought I was fast enough to leave you behind but I was wrong. The moment I stepped out of the stall, I saw you in process of stripping off your clothes. I stopped dead in my tracks and looked at the georgeous body that gave me free show.  
  
"Kitsune, hentai!!!" you said. Your voice snapped me out of my thoughts. I shook my head then turned around to dress. I got dressed and motioned to go out when you still stood there watching me in bemusement. I glared at you and shove my way towards the door, slamming it in the process.  
  
That was the first night I didn't slept at all. The image of your replayed inside of my head like a broken record. Even if I did sleep, I would dream of you in a not so innocent way that I would be jolted awake by the intensity of it.  
  
~*Turning away from the wall I can see nothing.   
The scream deep inside, reflecting another person in my heart.   
All existence you see before you must be wiped out.  
Dream, reality, memories, and yourself.*~  
  
The things I feel for you are enough to drive me insane and to give me the feelings that I didn't knew existed in me. Everytime I see your body making shots or getting hit by the punches that Akagi made on your head, my shorts tightened in response. My groin responded eagerly and I need to call you names to remind myself that you are not within my reach. That you and I are not meant to be lovers, much as well friends.  
  
~*I begin to lose control of myself   
My lust is so blind, destroys my mind.   
Nobody can stop my turning to madness.   
No matter how you try to hold me in your heart.   
Why do you wanna raise these walls?   
I don't know the meaning of hatred.   
My brain gets blown away hearing words of lies.   
I only want to hold your love.*~  
  
Do you know how many times I masturbated in the span of a day? Sometimes five times. Everytime I don't have anything to do, my minds drifted of to you and your body, your hair, your scent, your kissable lips, your honey-colored eyes.  
  
I knew I was getting deeper and deeper in the insanity I gave myself for wanting you. I was a coward, hiding my love and lust for you becuase I don't want to be the one at the end of the rope. I don't want to be hurt becuase of my stupid hope that things would become better if I told you about those things.  
  
"Nyahahaha.... Ore wa Tensai!!!"  
  
"Gambatte, Sakuragi-kun!!!"  
  
That voice. The bitch, the captain's sister. I hated her. I hated everything about her. Face it, I was jealous. At least she was raising different feeling in the redhead that I can't seem to raise in him even if I wanted to. I wanted your love but I knew that I can't becuase all you can see in me wis hatred, a rival in both women and basketball. Is it my fault that I was born like this?  
  
The ice walls in my heart began to cover it layer after layer, the walls becoming too thick. i knew I don't want to feel pain that's why I covered it all up. You are sole cause of these walls, do you know that? You are the only source of my icyness and facade that I hold on to like frail piece of rope.  
  
~*Stab the dolls of hate.   
Wash yourself with their blood.   
Drive into the raging current of time.   
Swing your murderous weapon into the belly. "The earth."   
Shout and start creating confusion,   
shed your blood for pleasure. And what?   
For love? What am I supposed to do?*~  
  
I sometims punch the walls in frustration. The frustration that usually gives me the pai that I welcomed in full force. The frustration that I can't get you even if you're only an arm's lenght. I punched the walls over and over again until they bled and I would bandaged them and tried to punch the other fist into the wall where they would bleed as well.  
  
If that doesn't take away my frustration, I would grab the razor and continously slashed my wrist until they bled like running water. I didn't care. I just wanted to ease of my frustration in myself and in my world. I lie motionless on the bed, gazing the ceiling, obviously thinking of you. I can't get you out of my head.  
  
~*I believe in the madness called "now".   
Past and future prison my heart.   
Time is blind, but I wanna trace my love,   
on the walls of time over pain in my heart.   
Art of life.   
Insane blade stabbing dreams.   
Try to break all truth now.   
But I can't heal this broken heart in pain.   
Cannot start to live,   
cannot end my life,  
keep on crying.*~  
  
I still went to school and practice to just see you, to insult you. I knew I wanted to raise feelings in you even if it was hate. But everything shattered when I heard your joyous laugh and you didn't seem to mind my inasults anymore.  
  
"Nyahahaha~!!!! I'm not going to insult you kitsune!!!" you said laughing again and again while blushing.  
  
"Why are you such in a good mood Sakuragi?" Ayako asked.  
  
"Haruko-chan said yes to me!!!"  
  
"You mean, you two are now dating?" Miyagi asked then turned his hopeful eyes to Ayako. You laughed and blushed once again.  
  
My mind went blanked and cold sweat bead my forehead. i paled in the knowledge that your infatuation said yes to you. My eyes blazed in hatred for her more. I blinked away the tears that threatened to fall and played a little rougher that day. Left the gym earlier than the rest of the team. The weather seemed to understood my feelings for it's tears slowly fell, one by one until it was weeping for me.  
  
I reached my abode weeping as well, wet from head to foot. I ran towards the bathroom and grabbed the razor, strated slicing. Why was it even you didn't want the pain, it would slowly creep and cuase you more pain. The pain was so much that I sliced and sliced until the pain that I felt on my wrist exceeds the pain I felt in my heart.  
  
I dropped my body on the bed and curled up, tears flowed. Crying, crying, all I can hear is my crying. The tears stained my cheeks and wet the bed but I didn't. I cried and cried and the heaven's cried with me as well.  
  
~*Close my eyes, time breathes, I hear.   
All love and sadness melt in my heart.  
Dry my tears, wipe my bloody face.   
I wanna feel me living outside my walls.*~  
  
I slept that night and dreamt of you. Everything about you. I dreamt that you woudl say yes and you would welcomed me. I knew better but dreams are only dreams rihgt? i woke up, eyes ansd wrist sore. My wrist have patches of dried blood. I cleaned it up and bandaged it properly. I didn't attended school but attended the practice. I wanted to experience life in the fullest even if it means, even if it means you are disgusted by my presence.  
  
~*You can't draw a picture of yesterday so you're painting your heart with your blood.  
You can't say no, only turning the wheel of time with a rope around your neck.   
You build a wall of morality and take a breath from between the bricks.   
You make up imaginary enemies and are chased by them.   
You're trying to commit suicide.   
You're satisfied with your prologue, now you're painting your first chapter black.   
You are putting the scraps of your life together and trying to make an asylum for yourself.   
You're hitting a hell at the edge of the stage and you are trying to kill me.*~  
  
I tried to act nice, I tried to smile only for you, I tried to be silent and not say anything to insult you. I wanted to see if this qwould change anything. I wanted to break th wall that I built in our way and maybe we can even become friends. My stakes are too high, I know but I wanted to try things.  
  
The team left already and I knew that this is my only chance of saying what I feel. I waited for you. I pinned you down and claimed your lips, locked it to mine. Kissed you, teasing your lips. you pushed me away, roughly, eyes blazing in anger and disgust.  
  
"KITSUNE, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?!?" you yelled at me.  
  
"Aishiteru, Sakuragi.."  
  
Simple words, earned me a punch or two from you then grabbed you bag. Rejection was plainly in your eyes but you didn't want to say it... yet. I looked away as you slammed the door.  
  
~*I believe in the madness called "now".   
Time goes flowing, breaking my heart.   
Wanna live, can't let my heart kill myself.   
Still, I haven't found what I'm looking for.   
Art Of Life  
I try and stop myself but my heart goes to destroy the truth. Tell me why, I want the meaning of my life.   
Do I try to live?   
Do I try to love?   
In my dream...*~  
  
I am still here, lying in my bed, crying my eyes out, wanting to end my life but I knew I must stand by myself and never look back once again. The past is past and I must look at what the future holds for me. My life is in shambles, trying to kill me but I knew that it was only the rejection that holds me down.  
  
I still dream of you, the love that I could get from you. I still dream of your presence in every fiber of my being, the glow that you radiates everytime we were together in the team.  
  
~*I'm breaking the wall inside my heart.   
I just wanna let my emotions get out.   
Nobody can stop, I'm running to freedom, no matter how you try to hold me in your world.*~  
  
Now, everything was the usual thing that I knew, the routines that we both know would benifit the team. We forget that day, the day when I confessed my feelings. I still throw you insults but it seems that you don't respond to anymore. The pain is slowly easing but it still there, waiting for the right moment to explode once again.  
  
~*Like a doll carried by the wall of time.   
I sacrificed the present moment for the future.   
I was in the chains of memory half blinded.   
Losing my heart walking in the sea of dreams.*~  
  
I only held you in my dreams and holding there is where I could ease the pain totally becuase there, I can have you, all of you. I always went into those daydreams when I'm alone in the gym or when I'm in the classroom. I welcomed the dreams that would ease the pain that I usually feel.  
  
~*Close my eyes, rose breathes, I can hear,   
All love and sadness melt in my heart.   
Dry my tears, wipe my bloody face.   
I wanna feel me living my life, outside my mind.*~  
  
I stood there even if you and the bitch making out in public, I didn't lashed out and killed her. I knew that you would never be happy so I guess, I would leave you alone becuase it would make you happy. If you are happy, I can be happy for myself. the pain slowly eases as I see your face etched in happiness whenever she's near or you talked about her. I wanted to smile at you but I knew that I must have the facade to keep my sanity intact and the pain walk awa from my heart.  
  
~*Dreams can make me mad.   
I can't leave my dream, I can't stop myself   
Don't know what I am, what lies are truth?   
What truths are lies?*~  
  
I still dream of you. You holding me, you loving me, you making love to me, you making me warmth. That is the only thing I can have of you. I can't stop dreaming of you and I knew that it ould someday take toll but I don't care. At least I can love you in my dreams, at least I can lie to myself for a while that I can call you mine even for a couple of hours.  
  
~*I believe in the madness called "now".   
Time goes flowing, breaking my heart.   
Wanna live, can't let my heart kill myself   
Still, I haven't found what I'm looking for.*~  
  
I knew I'm happy for you but I knew it's not enough for me anymore. I wanted you to be mine and I knew that there are boundaries that needed to establish. I knew I'm still looking for something but your happiness wasn't it. I knew that it wasn't it.  
  
~*Art Of Life.   
I try and stop myself but my heart goes to destroy the truth.   
Tell me why, I want the meaning of my life.   
Do I try to live? Do I try to love?  
Art of life.   
An eternal bleeding heart, you never wanna breathe your last.   
Wanna live, can't let my heart kill myself  
Still I'm feeling for   
A rose is breathing love, in my life...*~  
  
I still dream of you and I'm still lying to my heart that it's better to dream of you rather than hurt you. I wanted you to be mine, body and soul, everything mine, everything, but I knew it's not possible.  
  
I knew that things are all wrong. Inside of me is bleeding with all the pain I felt. Why did I have to feel these things? I don't want to feel these things, I don't want to... but I did and now i'm in trouble of losing myself with all of lies that my heart conjured up in my head.  
  
I bought a single white rose and placed it in the vase where water is crstal clear. I grabbed the razor and slowly slashing my wrist, ignoring the pain that shot up in my arm. The white was stained with red as my blood flowed through my veins and out my arm and into he rose. Drops of blood stained the water and the white became red as my visioned blurred. I smiled as the darkness tried grab me and tried pull me away from the vision of stains that would gladly give me peace of mind. Then all I can see is black...  
  
~*OWARI*~  
  
Author's Notes: Aoi... gomen for killing Rukawa. I was feeling alittle depressed lately so I did it. Gomen again!!!! 


End file.
